The Weight of Doubt and Exhaustion

It’s been a long time since I blogged. Then again, it’s been a long time since I’ve written anything, truth be told.

There’s a complete and utter exhaustion that comes with caring for someone with a long-term illness and until recently, I was really good at pretending it didn’t exist.

Enter wall.

See that wall? I’ve hit it. No lie—it hurts.

We are, I hope, at the end of this long medical journey (at least the immediate journey), but since I never seem to be able to say that with any degree of certainty, it’s really hard to believe it even now.

And after five months, I’m mentally depleted. So, no new rambling blogs, no new pages in my current manuscript, no edits on the last one, and no queries on my old one. I’ve been thinking (a *lot*) about writing and editing, but honestly, it just scares me right now. I’m 100% positive that it’s due to my mental state from playing home-care nurse for so long, but I’ve reached an awkward position as a writer that I haven’t been in for quite some time, the place where I begin to contemplate if it’s worth pursuing publishing at all. The stage where my brain whispers that I’m not good enough, that my stories aren’t interesting, that my plot lines are too predictable, that my characters aren’t worth following.

I know this voice in my head and I usually tell it to shut the hell up and sit in a corner to think about what it’s done. Then I tell it that it’s going to stay in that corner until it figures out how to play nicely with the other voices. (Okay, that just sounds creepy…but you get the point.)

But lately? Lately I don’t have the energy to police what my children are eating for dinner (Frozen packaged pierogies? Again? Sure, whatever keeps you alive, kids!), let alone to police my self-deprecating internal writer’s doubt.

I know this will pass. So in the mean time, hey—I wrote something. It’s a blog post about absolutely nothing, but it’s 365 more words than I’ve written in a very long time.

11 thoughts on “The Weight of Doubt and Exhaustion

  1. I can only imagine what you are going through. I know how hard it was when I was taking care of my mother full time for the three months. My heart goes out to you; you are in my thoughts!
    Don’t stop writing! You have incredible talent. I enjoyed the first one and am now enjoying the second one you gave me.
    Take time every day for just you!

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  2. Oh Lorraine, I agree with Liz❣️
    I have not read your scripts, but I know you well enough to have mucho confidence in you❣️❣️
    This will pass, I am sure, with what your family is going through, you will look at things differently. You and your husband are incredible❣️ I am so blessed to have come to know you two.
    Went to the doc yesterday, I have been wearing a boot on left foot, found out tear in ligament. We are trying PT but she gave it a 50/50 chance of working.
    Then surgery to fix, with no weight baring for four weeks, if they reconstruct no weight baring for 8 weeks. My point is in telling you this, my situation is like going to a picnic compared to Nate and your family, so I told myself, suck it up Polly! A little inconvenience!
    Luv your family so much and some day soon, would love another trip to Disney with you❣️ Best trip there ever❣️❣️❣️❣️

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  3. Its good that you know that the doubt is coming from exhaustion. Irregardless, you have the talent and skills to produce good writing. So, rest and then get back on the horse.

    Now, edit this post LOL dear wordsmith…..

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    1. ❤ Thank you for your vote of confidence! I'm happy to report that after this nonsense blogpost, I actually wrote a few hundred words this morning! Maybe I just needed to get the faucet dripping a bit to thaw the pipes? Who knows? Whatever the case, it seems to have worked and I am currently editing/adding to my time-travel manuscript as per beta-reader comments. It's a start.

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  4. As someone who has gone through an illness I can absolutely agree that it’s exhausting. It sucks every creative thought in your brain and replaces it with unending fear and worry. My issues weren’t as drawn out as yours though so I can only imagine how exhausting it is for it to continue. There is light at the end of the tunnel for this though!
    And as someone who has read your writing I can assure you with 100% confidence that YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH!!!!!! You’ll come back to it again and then you’ll be better than ever!! I know this!

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    1. I KNOW you understand for sure, especially after what you went through! And thank you. I value your opinion and your confidence in my abilities more than you can know. You read enough for 10 people, especially for your blog! So the fact that you can turn to my writing and tell me that it works, that *I’m* good enough, means the world!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You’re very hard on yourself (says the girl who sends you whiny messages because I’m too hard on myself 😂) I know its probably hard when you’ve gotten rejections but it’s all just bumps in the road. It will make your Published book in your hands that much sweeter when it happens 🙂

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  5. I’m not a writer and am going through another period of being unable to read books, so anything that can keep my interest lately has to have something special about it. I can’t identify exactly what that “something special” is about your blog, but it makes me laugh, cry, basically, FEEL. It would be a shame to lose a writer who seems to have that effect on me so effortlessly.

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